Thursday, July 14, 2022

The Saga of Andvari's Cursed Ring, in Limerick Form

Welp, they said it shouldn't be done, and with good reason, but here it is: A summation of the Volsung Saga/Ring Cycle/Prose Edda, now in limerick form. 


Loki and Honir and Odin
past a deep stream were a-wand'rin.
When they spotted an otter,
Loki knew he ought not-ter
But with a big rock its brain knocked in.


Hriedmarr was a wise old magician
With sons who could change their condition
He explained to the three
That the otter was he
Who was once Hreidmarr’s son, salmon fishin'.


When Hreidmarr demanded a penalty
For the son Loki'd murdered ungentily
Honir said how about,
We pay wergild amount
And Hreidmarr said sure, but cash only


They sent Loki to go snatch the gold,
From the stash of Andvari the troll
Who as a pike went a'swimmin,
To guard treasure well hidden
Under water, in a pool deep and cold


Loki borrowed a net from some elf
And hauled that pike up and said Welp,
Give me your treasure
And that ring for good measure
Said Andvari, It’s cursed, fuck yourself!


Meanwhile, they skinned Hreidmarr’s son
So they could stuff him with gold Loki won
They filled it and then
Piled the gold round his skin
Till the snout was without doubt covered upon


Fafnir and Reginn caused troubles,
Demanding their share of pop’s baubles
With their riches denied
It seemed patricide
Was the answer to family squabbles


Then Fafnir sent Reginn to exile
And put all the gold in a big pile
He changed to a dragon
To guard his big swag on
The chance that the curse would compile


Many a year passed as thusly,
With the dragon bloodthirsty and lusty
He would not behave
TIll Sigurd the brave
Murdered the serpent most justly


When Brynhild, a valkryie most famous
destroyed Odin’s trust in his war dames
He pricked her with poison
And to not let the boys in,
Surrounded the palace with flames


A most chivalrous gent was Sigurd
Who could pass unscathed through the fire
He woke Brynhild from slumber
Then made a blunder,
By leaving cursed ring on her finger


Sigurd rode on to King Gjuke,
Whose wife Grimhild wiped Sigurd’s thinker
He took Gudrun to altar,
But his bromance with Gunnar
Was what turned Sigurd’s life to a clunker


Gunnar was besotted with Brynhild
Though the flames could never be crossed
None but Sigurd could do it,
So as Gunnar he wooed
The valkryie who’d loved him as Sigurd


The star-crossed lovers lived funkily
Till Gudrun told Brynhild most sulkily
That Sigurd had won her
And pawned her to Gunnar
Which pissed off the murderous Valkyrie


Brynhild plotted to kill her once-lover,
With her husband’s dim-witted brother
Mayhem ensued
And Sigurd was skewered
Leaving Brynhild to mourn and self-murder


The Ring’s curse continued its rampage
With serpents and murders and carnage
When the families were banished
The ring finally vanished
In river, or mud, down to our age.


Geek notes:

I used to think of this as the Ring cycle, but it's not that; I also thought it was the Volsung saga, but if it is, it's only bits and pieces of that. To be honest, this is some kind of a mash-up of those, and some other Germanic/Nordic myths found in the Elder Edda and the Prose Edda, which are Icelandic. My source is pretty directly from Chapter 10 of Roger Lancelyn Green's Myths of the Norsemen, and I'm not sure where he got all the stuff from. 

Sunday, August 23, 2020

Moszna Castle

Moszna Castle, Poland

The rich, especially hereditary aristocrats, are freaks. Free from such concerns as how to get food and free from manual labor, their thoughts turn to exploiting the labor of those around them. How big and stupid a castle can I get these beasts to build? They wonder. Who can stock it with furniture, or work the fields in the surrounding farmland?

Moszna CastleEven when their monuments to folly burn to the ground, as happened in 1896 to Moszna Castle, a neo-rococo fantasy tucked into the Opole district of Southern Poland, the aristocrats cannot be made rational. They pick themselves up, brush themselves off, and continue throwing cash at overlarge fireplaces, witch’s hat towers, and brass weathercocks until the money runs out. 

On the brighter side: these days, if you are looking for a pleasant place to spend an evening or a night, the remnants of these absurd lifestyles are a great option for a day trip. The previously mentioned Moszhna Castle is  a charming fairy-tale of a building in a secluded town far from the fast-paced cities of Poland. Tucked into the rural countryside, sporting dozens of turrets and towers, Moszna castle has foundations dating to the 17th century. Yes, the grounds have been haunted by the wealthy for centuries, up to the days of industrial giants the von Tiele-Wincklers, who owned several castles across the region. It wasn't till the great surge of Soviet communism liberated Moszna from the von Tiele-Wincklers in the later stages of WWII that these great castles could be made accessible to us ordinary folk. 


For years the castle lay neglected, until in 1972 it was converted to a sanitarium, a true palace to the people. After the fall of communism, though, it gained its current incarnation as a tourist destination.

Admission to the grounds and castle together is 25 złoty per adult. This allows you to wander along the tourist path, which consists of seven rooms on the eastern wing. The path includes a lovely library fringed by ornate gothic-themed stained glass in stone frames. In the dining room, ornately carved wooden framed mirrors stand over grand dining tables. The path leads through a restored family residence, where a bed lazes alone and melancholy in the heart of a round tower overlooking the greenhouse.

All tours, recordings and written information are in Polish, but don't worry, the details are obvious enough you get the idea. It's an old castle where rich people entertained other rich people while the peasants made plans to riot.

Contemporary art by local residents, their talents stretching towards competence, hang from the walls. A blond, busty woman on horseback gazes at you from one frame, and then again from another, this time with a hawk her arm. Later, a family posing with the stone lions on the main Piazza. Scenes with flowers or swans. It's decent art, nothing outright third rate, just the best the locals could muster.

Which leads to another point: overall, the castle is a vital part of the community. On our visit schoolchildren were playing dodgeball on the lawn near a huge lonely pine staked and cabled to remain upright. And at least five couples in wedding finery were having photoshoots on the piazza steps. Restaurants and gift stalls lined the entrance but not extravagantly so. The cafe was a bit stuffy, and filled with families not quite following coronavirus protocols. 

All in all one wonders on the tour whether the current owners are conflicted as to whether they are a museum with a hotel or a hotel with a museum. Certainly as a guest it would be uncomfortable to have tourists clogging up your hotel, and as a tourist it seems odd to have half the place closed off for guest rooms. If aristocrats had money problems, capitalists have issues of where their revenue stream comes from. So it turns out grand castles are nothing if not problem generating machines.

At least you get to walk away clean.


Monday, March 18, 2019

Actors you may not have known played Dracula

One thing about Dracula is he’s a bloodsucking fiend from Transylvania who has a thing for the blood of English maidens. Another thing about him is he’s immensely popular and in the public domain, which means anyone with the time and money can put him on the screen and hope to make a few bucks.
With this glut of Draculas, famous actors see opportunity. Such a meaty role is a challenge as attractive as Hamlet, and while many rise to the occasion — Gary Oldman, Frank Langella — others find their efforts buried under the sands of time. Here are a few notable actors who donned the cape, only to have their work be staked through the heart in the murky depths of their CV.

1. Jack Palance

Best known as: Cowboy villain from the sixties. Millennials, ask some Boomers about it.
Second best known as: vigorous old man who did pushups onstage at the Oscars about a million years ago. Millennials, ask some GenXers about it.


In the early 70’s this classic bad boy of Hollywood westerns turned his sights on a more refined villain. The creator of Dark Shadows, a successful but campy vampire soap opera, decided to try his hand at adapting Stoker’s novel for the small screen. Somehow, he became convinced that Palance had the gravitas for the role. But it’s one thing for Dracula to be an ancient creature creeping in the shadows and another for him to *look* like an ancient creature struggling to stay upright. Alas, Palance’s trademark acting style was a menacing hiss and wooden demeanor. And while that worked, somewhat, for Bela Legosi, it falls flat for Palance, who is surprisingly inept here; an all-around failure for the future Oscar winner and geriatric pushup champion of 1992. Watch the trailer here.

2. Denholm Elliot

Best known as: Indiana Jones’s daft sidekick Marcus Brody in the best two of the Spielberg/Lucas mega-series.


Denholm Elliot was also a Serious British Actor with a long pedigree on stage and screen. In 1968, he was signed to play Dracula in a TV series for the BBC, and did so with a bit of dash. Known for playing seedy aristocrats, it wasn’t much of a stretch to play a predatory foreigner corrupting London’s most eligible daughters. With a rakish goatee and smoked glasses, this Dracula is atmospheric but a bit stodgy. Special bonus for having the front teeth be fangs, a personal favorite! Here is a surprisingly lusty clip.

3. Raul Julia

Best Known For: Gomez Addams



dreamy.


Regrettably, Raul Julia never played Dracula on-screen. But in the 1970’s, the first golden age of Vampires, a Broadway adaptation featuring sets by Edward Gorey was the toast of New York City. Following Frank Langella’s run in the role, young Raul Julia was cast as his replacement. Handsome, dashing and dangerous, Julia is a surprisingly bold choice, though his performance seems to be, regrettably, not available today.

4. Gerard Butler

I’m going to admit I don’t really know who Gerard Butler is, despite having seen several of his movies. He is like whatever you ate last Tuesday — enjoyable, worth having eaten, and probably coming up next week again, whatever it was.
I’m also giving a quick shout-out to Wes Craven, horror master, for lending his name to Dracula 2000. Because as much as Dracula can be a star-making role, it also has a reputation for being the low point in otherwise stellar careers.



Witness Gerard Butler: Before 300 or Phantom of the Opera, Butler honed his hunky action chops on this half-baked, almost forgettable Dracula revival. Plot: Resurrected from the bowels of a London bank vault, Dracula travels to New Orleans to cavort with with a bevy of eye-candy and Y2K-level CGI to find his new/old lady love. Unfortunately, Butler barely speaks, and much of the action involves Christopher Plummer as an aging, drug-addict Van Helsing staggering around with a stake shooting gatling-style rifle. A solid background movie for a slow day, but not Dracula’s finest hour. You will have to find your own clip, I won’t do that to you.

5. Willem Dafoe

Does it make any sense that the actor who played Jesus for Martin Scorsese would end up playing a creeped-out actor who goes full method to play a vampire? In 2019, with madness the order of the day, let’s just say yes.



Okay, I hear you: Dafoe is actually playing Max Schreck, the actor who played Count Orlok in the German silent film that was a rip-off of Dracula. I know that’s actually three degrees of separation, but you need to watch this movie. Willem Dafoe is masterfully creepy and cool in this role, and the whole idea is just awesome. Dafoe’s scenes with John Malkovich, who plays a frustrated director trying to talk Schreck out of eating the crew (at least until shooting wraps), are both chilling and hilarious. Totally worth your time.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Pan Kleks Illustrations, ranked worst to best

As generations of Polish children know, Pan Kleks runs a magical academy for boys whose names begin with the letter A. His school is on the edge of Storybook Land, and his pupils regularly cavort with talking dogs and robot boys. Created by Jan Brzechwa in a series of books over 50 years ago, Pan Kleks has been on movies and the stage, and his image has been brought to life by dozens of illustrators over the years. 

But who has best captured the essence of this mischievous scholar?

Let’s take a look.

The Anonymous

Uninspired knockoffs are a hazard of the publishing industry, and Pan Kleks is no exception. Poland is awash with various editions bearing uncredited, often amateurish artwork, most of which would drive any reasonable child to put the book quickly back on the shelf. Here are a few of the notable failures.

Anonymous One: Homeless Bird Afficionado


Sorry to make you look at this. 



Widely known as a light-hearted academic and scholar of great renown, Pan Kleks exists today as if Brzechwa had been channeling both Willy Wonka and Albus Dumbledore twenty years before either had been conceived. Unfortunately this edition features a lackluster effort that seems to be channeling the Johnny Depp’s ill-fated Wonka more than Brzechwa’s hero. Here, Kleks is a leering, world-weary pedant with a Dorothy Hamill helmet cut and a cut-rate parrot. No no no.

Anonymous Two: Rainbow-headed hippie.


Perhaps no illustration better emphasizes the danger of setting a story in an all-boy boarding school better than this one. As a parent, nothing would red-flag this school like a headmaster who is wearing an obviously fake beard. Why is Kleks’s mustache made of copper wire? Why does he look like a fifteen-year old? Yikes. The boy here is actually turning to flee, which is the proper decision.

Anonymous Three: Inappropriate Ingenue


I don’t know what this is, actually. It may in fact be the cover for a soundtrack to the one of the movie versions. Whatever the case, it seems strangely adult-oriented. Sultry Kleks in a tartan wrap, his head at an unnatural angle, perhaps inviting you in to hear the secrets of the cosmos in his one-man show?

No?

Anonymous Four: The Meth Lab Genius and his Young Apprentice


I don't really dislike this cover, but it's a solid meh here. Could be any mad scientist and his boy, really.

Anonymous Five: Tolkienesque Ennui


Whew! Now, I don’t like to take away points for creativity, but there is creativity, and then there is misguided innovation. This feels like a mid-seventies homage to Lord of the Rings, with Kleks as Gandalf to that redhead boy’s I’d-rather-be-having-second-breakfast Bilbo. But the worst sin is to have replaced joy and wonder with world-weary drudgery. Kleks looks disinterested, as if he’s about to wander off, and the boy is little more than a head on a bow-tie tether. I’ll give it credit for whimsy, though. Those expressions! (*me, whispering* Actually, to be honest, the more I look at this the more I like it.)

(*clearing throat*) Let’s move on to illustrators whose names I could find.

Jakob Kuzma


Finally someone knows Kleks should be fun! There is definitely a playful air to Kuzma’s take — the multicolored hair, the jaunty joker collar on the starling Matthew. The other-worldy cosmic vibe is strong, yet Kuzma stays true to Kleks’s iconic elements — the yellow waistcoat, rainbow hair, and strange mustache.

Agata Łukasza


Lukasza posits a strange theory of Kleks: that he is most intriguing in the abstract. Other than this one amazing hero-pose, most of her illustrations show Kleks as a shadowy grey outline, a curious choice given the colorful character she could have put on display.

The shadowy master in his cluttered secret room.


Marianna Sztyma

Kleks applying his trademark colored freckles.


Talented and clever, Sztyma takes an arthouse approach to Kleks. She allows her characters a rubbery anatomy, instilling her figures a loose-limbed joi d’vive. Her inclusion of random detritus in the margins is a direct callout to Szancer (see below). But Kleks again seems a bit young to be the holder of ancient mysteries; he feels a bit like that resident assistant who wants to be your best friend, not headmaster of his own academy.

The master receiving a fresh box of holes.

Mikolai Kamler

The classic ‘Kleks pouring rainbows for dinner while floating’ scene.

Now we are getting somewhere! Kamler brings a lot to the table. This feels most dedicated to the source: a long orange mustache, rainbow Einstein hair, a yellow waistcoat. Kamler’s Kleks is both clever-looking and fun, a spritely half-elf who finds it amusing to hang with the humans and dispense whatever wisdom he sees fit. Kudos to you, Kamler.

Adventure is out there!

Suren Vardanian


Vardanian brings a lightness and color to Kleks while still keeping a splotchy, anarchic line. Kleks’s hair is a savage rainbow, and his overall appearance is early Grateful Dead by way of Sgt. Pepper. Vardanian’s Kleks has also eliminated the mustache, which means there’s more room for an infectious, constant smile. The wardrobe update is a curious touch - Kleks is less an eccentric academic here, and more of demented majorette. A true original in the canon, Vardanian’s edition is a worthy runner-up to the original and still champion Kleks illustrator.

Top hat and spectacles… a true gentleman of magic knows how to accessorize.

Jan Marcin Szancer

Considered the alpha male of 20th century Polish illustrators, Szancer was the first to draw the infamous ‘Mr. Inkblot’ in the book’s original publication. In a happy convergence of 1950’s loose pen-and-ink mayhem with Brzechwa’s trippy kid-friendly prose, Szancer’s illustrations, like Tenniel’s Alice in Wonderland, are the gold standard to which all Kleks-icographers must aspire.

The unforgettable Teapot Train incident.

Strangely, Szancer seems to have ignored most of what those who came after regard as essential. Kleks’s hair is black, his mustache normal. His wardrobe isn’t as egregiously eccentric as many illustrations; he could be any well-appointed man about town (of the late 19th century, perhaps). And yet Szancer fills Kleks with a sense of play and whimsy that matches the tone of the book and helps create the mood of the story.

Overall Szancer displays in Pan Kleks what made him the premier Polish illustrator of his, or perhaps any, era. A loose, confident line, a distinctive color scheme, a dedication to detail bordering on obsessive clutter. Szancer knew that what kids want from a picture is stuff to look at, a composed portrait that leads the eye from detail to detail, picking out elements of scene that make up story.

I don’t know what’s happening here but damn I want this on my wall.

Epilog

Now, a confession. As to the matter of what happens in Pan Kleks, I’m not sure at all. I’ve watched parts of the movies (in Polish), but don’t know how faithful they are to the books. And since my Polish remains at the level of an intelligent Golden Retriever, and I have yet to find an English translation, it may be a while before I actually know what’s happening in these illustrations.

Updates will be provided as warranted by consumer demand, my own motivation, and the progression of my Polish skills.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Memed, my Hawk by Yashar Kemal

Vintage Turkish Cover
Sixteen months after I moved to Ankara, one of the leading literary figures of Turkey, Yashar Kemal, died. Kemal was a polarizing force of Turkish literature: charismatic and beloved by generations who came up in his wake, he was also a radical firebrand, a constant thorn in the government’s side. For these reasons, I’d long had his seminal novel Memed, my Hawk, on my radar – what could inspire so many, I wondered, but scare those in power? I had a surprising amount of trouble finding it in English here in Turkey until a few months after his death, on a trip to Istanbul, where I found a copy in a bookstore that caters to foreigners. Nearby, a Turkish bookstore had Kemal’s image on a three-story banner clinging to its side, andit was inhis shadow I walked home.

As I cracked Memed, my Hawk open in my AirBnB flat I wasn’t sure I’d be able to relate to a sixty year old Turkish masterwork. There I was, a stolid American of some privilege, embedded in modern Turkey, hundreds of miles and decades removed from the peasants the book jacket described. What could it say to me? An early passage describing the thistle fields of the eastern Taurus mountains seemed an ambiguous portent: “Thistles,” Kemal tells us, “generally grow in soil which is neither good nor bad but has been neglected.” And “They sprout so thick, so close together, that a snake would not be able to slip through them.” A curious start, but no matter. I soldiered on.

And after all this thistle business, I was somewhat surprised to discover that Memed, my Hawk is a swashbuckling, page-turning, adventure story chock-full of noble peasants and evil villains. It’s the story of a young boy named Memed who grows up oppressed and abused by the landlord of his village, Abdi Agha. Memed runs away (through the thistle fields, naturally), only to be recaptured and abused further. Eventually he falls in love with the Agha’s niece, which leads to further tragedy, and he must run to the hills to join a band of brigands, one of whom, Mad Durdu, steals “even the underpants” of his victims. Much of the rest of the book is Memed’s long quest to avenge himself against the evil, exploitive landlord, be reunited with his love interest, and (almost coincidentally), free the peasants from their oppressive yoke. There are gunfights, noble sacrifices, and tragic minor characters like Memed’s loyal right-hand man Jabbar, and the conflicted but good-hearted tracker, Lame Ali.

I was pleasantly surprised, then engrossed. I consider myself a fairly literary reader, but a great chunk of my soul is dedicated to cheap thrills from old school pulp: John D. MacDonald, Dashiell Hammet, Patricia Highsmith. The idea that Turkey of the mid-twentieth century had tastes similar to the USA, with clear distinctions of good and evil, and was prone to idealize a troubled past, made me feel connected to my adopted country in a new, comforting way. Could it be I’d found a spiritual cousin to the dozens of noble outlaw myths from Zorro and Robin Hood to Australia’s Kelley Gang and ballads of American gunfighters? Sure I had.

The early chapters of Memed, my Hawk adhere closely to a timeless mythology where technology is limited to guns and plows pulled by oxen. Memed’s first visit to a city is related in fairy-tale language to describe glittering windows of glass and the magic of paved roads:

“Near these was a big tiled building and beyond it lay the whole town, like a toy city, with its roofs of shiny corrugated iron, its whitewashed roofed terraces, and its red tiles. Memed and Mustafa stared at this site, their eyes wide with astonishment. How white it all was! How many houses there were! They couldn’t take their eyes off it.

“Crossing the Boklu stream, they entered the town. The windows shone in the sunlight. Thousands of shiny panes, like crystal palaces, just as Dursun had said. A town for fairy kings, with palaces.” (p. 60)

But then complications set in. By the book’s third act, the evil Agha has sought the help of an equally corrupt government stooge, and we learn about the fledgling government in Ankara, that the brigands crowding the hills are the remainders of the troops that rallied to fight the French and English eager to divide the remains of the Ottoman Empire amongst themselves, only to be foiled by the great Ataturk. Suddenly we’re in a real time and place. And it is a political world after all, even if Memed himself doesn’t care much about the national government.

Kemal would claim his whole life that he was simply a bard, a tale-teller, a link in a chain of storytellers running from the dim past to the sketchy future. But his claims of being apolitical seem at best disingenuous, however, since by 1952, when he wrote Memed, my Hawk, Kemal had been steeped in political intrigue for years. His father was, apparently, a feudal landlord, and was murdered in a mosque while five-year old Kemal watched; Kemal himself lost an eye in the incident. And as a teenager, Kemal would be arrested for trying to unionize tractor drivers in southern Anatolia.

How could such an attitude not be reflected in his writing? The thistles in the field were not merely for local flavor; peasants everywhere face thistles of all kinds, from harsh overlords to military dictatorships to corrupt oligarchs. Life is a hardship to be endured until finally Memed tells the peasants: burn down the thistles, then sow your field. Veiled in metaphor or not, this wasn’t a message a government could tolerate without reprisal, even from a beloved author and perennial Nobel prize short-lister. His outspoken nature, socialist leanings and minority status - he was a Kurd in a land ruled by Turks - would ultimately, in 1995, earn him a 20-month suspended jail sentence for speaking out on Turkey’s continued harsh treatment of its minorities.

A few months after reading Memed, my Hawk, I had the chance to visit the Eastern Taurus mountains, not far from Kemal’s birthplace and the fictional Taurus mountains of Memed’s world. As we left the airport and the driver steered our car up into the rugged foothills, I had an eerie feeling of deja vu: It was all as Yashar Kemal had described. The stony fields covered in thistle patches, the high canted stratas of crumbling dusty stone, and there, along the cliffs above the treacherous scree and shrubs: caves, dark holes where a brigand could hide out while gendarmes camped on the valley floor.

It was indeed a harsh landscape; in olden times you would need harsh sensibilities to survive it. I was used to the sprawling malls and sterile towers of Ankara, and was energized in this world of Yashar Kemal that still somehow existed. The geography he had embodied still teemed with goatherds, cows, and peasants resolved to the hardness of life but still with open hearts (and guesthouses) for outsiders. And it was there, where literature meets landscape, that I felt most connected to Memed, and to an Anatolian heartland most would assume has vanished.


Friday, February 27, 2015

You’re not the only movie exec who can greenlight his 5th grader’s movie script, Washburn.


Well, well, Washburn, my old friend, times must be hard at that sad little warehouse you call a motion picture studio. What's with this wild rumor I hear? This crazy announcment in Variety that you’ve signed your kid’s 5th grade English assignment to 'write a science fiction movie script' into production? “The Goo Aliens fight Space Pirates,” is it? Sony Pictures, with a budget of 80 million? With Singer to direct? I see, I see.

If this is some kind of scheme, it will never work. If you think you’ve got some kind of advantage over me, that’s where you’re wrong. Because you’re not the only movie exec who can greenlight his 5th grader’s movie script, Washburn.

My kid’s in the same school. Of course, you’d know that, since you put your little boy Braydon in Hodgington Academy not three months after my Sophia was enrolled. Bush league move, that, Washburn. Did you not consider my Sophia has the same English teacher, and had the same assignment?

“Rainbow Princess Cop” goes into principal photography in six weeks. Oh, and while I have your attention, three more words: Jolie. Gosling. Dench. That’s right: Dench. I sense you’re wincing a bit at that, aren’t you? I am forced to chuckle like a cheap melodrama villain. Mwa-ha-ha, Washburn.

It didn’t have to be like this. Remember the old days, when we were in film school in that wave following Spielberg and Scorsese? We were going to set the world on fire. We could have been partners. But here we are, forty years and countless trophy wives later, these children of our late middle age pitched in heated proxy wars for box office totals that mean nothing, nothing!

Actually, what was I thinking? They mean everything.

Nevertheless, this is the life we’ve chosen. Ever since Goldman made a fortune off of his grand-daughter's Time-Travel Unicorn Bounty-Hunter concept, this is the path the American public has chosen for Hollywood. We merely provide, Washburn, we do not dictate the tastes of a nation. But I digress…

I hear you have no third act, Washburn. I hear the Space Pirates have no motivation. Well, all the fire-breathing black-hole Godzilla clones Weta can render won’t get Blockso the One-eyed Pirate Prince through his dark night of the soul!

Yes, it’s true: Sophia made a copy of Braydon’s script. We know everything.

You thought you could keep this from me? Well, I thought we were friends! But co-chairing the PTA subcommittee on uniforms and field trips means nothing to you. I had to learn it from the front page of Variety like every other schmuck in this town.

I have Michael Bay on hold right now. This is what we call the endgame, my friend.

To conclude, I wish you the best, Washburn, I really do. I consider you my closest rival. Sophia (she really has her father’s instincts for this sort of thing) tells me Pennington’s boy wrote “Pizza Disaster!” (it's lazy and uninspired, the boy simply won't apply himself, even with Adam Sandler on board). And Weinberg’s kids, well, “Nemo Unchained” would be caught in legal limbo for decades. No, it is you and I, my old friend, who will see this battle through to the bitter end.

See you at the Oscars, Washburn. May the best parent win.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Mistletoe Drone.. of DEATH!!!!!: (a one-act Christmas melodrama)

They ordered Love...
....they got MURDER!!!!!
Here is my 2014 Christmas gift to you all:

Mistletoe Drone ... of DEATH!!!
Inspired by a true story

*** Mistletoe Drone Operator at TGI Friday’s was the best job this "kind-of-a-loner, kept to himself" could get.***

SCENE: TGI Fridays, interior. BARRY, pimpled and bitter, is dressed in TGI Friday's shirt and suspenders with lots of flair. His hair is lank and greasy, a sneer on his face. He holds the MISTLETOE DRONE controller and scans the restaurant. It’s filled with young couples in love, feeding each other french fries and sesame jack™ chicken strips.

BARRY (Voice-over): (Bitterly) Look at all you happy couples. Sitting there with your thai pork tacos, staring into each other’s eyes, longing to kiss. Here, I'll make you kiss!

He controls the MISTLETOE DRONE toward a SEXY COUPLE. It stops, its mistletoe payload directly over the WOMAN's head. The SEXY COUPLE looks up. WOMAN laughs, and MAN kisses her.

MISTLETOE DRONE dips closer, closer, while the SEXY COUPLE’s kiss becomes more passionate.

Ominous music swells.

Enter MANAGER

MANAGER: Hey, Barry, that drone’s a little close, don’t you think?

BARRY (falsely cheerful): Hey, yeah, oops! Guess they looked a little too happy!

The MISTLETOE DRONE rises, ominous music fades. The SEXY COUPLE's kissing becomes more passionate.

MANAGER: Want me to take over for a while?

BARRY: Nah, I’m good.

MANAGER (Looking at SEXY COUPLE, who knock dishes off the table and climb on to continue making out and groping each other): Well, you’re doing a great job.

BARRY: Thanks, boss!

Exit MANAGER

BARRY scans the room again. His eyes squint.

BARRY (Voice-over): Oh, you blissfully ignorant fools. All of you, believing love is anything but a bittersweet prelude to a lifetime of solitary misery.

His attention becomes focused on a YOUNG INNOCENT COUPLE making lovey-eyes at each other; it’s apparent they are on an early date, infatuated but shy.

BOY: Hey, they have that mistletoe drone thing. (exaggeratedly casual) That's cool, I guess.

GIRL: Oh, I hope it doesn't come here. It would be a *shame* if I had to kiss you. (She smiles and blushes.)

BARRY (Voice-over): Is that... Tiffany? Tiffany who once spurned my advances? I spent the night of Spring Fling alone because of you, Tiffany! Oh, and now, you flounce and rut with this unworthy cur?

BOY stabs a shrimp, puts it on GIRL'S plate

BARRY: (voice-over) Ah! You split with him a Jack Daniel's Shrimp and Ribs that should by rights be mine? Oh, yes, kiss him, by all means ... I’ll make you kiss. I’ll make you kiss... in hell!

BOY: Hey, that operator is looking at you funny. Do you know him, Kelly?

GIRL: Never seen him before.

MISTLETOE DRONE-view camera, closing in on the YOUNG INNOCENT COUPLE who smile and set down their cutlery as it approaches, and give each other a bashful glance.

BARRY (voice-over): Oh, sweet revenge best served cold, with Tennessee Whisky Cake for desert, on special this week!

The BOY moves close to the GIRL, puts an arm around her shoulder. She touches his hand as they wait for the MISTLETOE DRONE...

MISTLETOE DRONE-view camera as their smiles turn to confusion, then fear as the MISTLETOE DRONE buzzes ominously closer, closer.

BOY: It's coming in kind of... fast...

GIRL: Hold me!

BARRY begins to chuckle, rising to laughter, rising to maniacal laughter.

Cut to SEXY COUPLE, now half-naked, making out on their table. BLOOD SPATTER hits them. They look up. WOMAN screams.

MANAGER: Oh, for Pete's sake, Barry.

Fade to credits as BARRY’s laughter grows ever louder and the screams of patrons drown him out.

-- END --